Red flags and dating
He or she just wants you to keep your attention on them. The person is an older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships, or has had numerous broken marriages. Abandoning one's children -- other than giving up a baby for adoption -- may indicate lack of empathy.People get together at their common level of woundedness -- i.e., their common level of self-abandonment. If this person cannot feel pain for your pain and joy for your joy, you will end up feeling very lonely in the relationship. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that prevent a parent from seeing their children, or a parent might come to the painful realization that it is not in the child's best interest to be involved with them.We all bring our unhealed wounds with us into our primary relationships, often projecting our parents or other caregivers onto our partner. Again, don't expect that you can get the person to change.The person needs to be acceptable to you as he or she is. If the person is in a lot of debt, or tries to "borrow" money from you, beware. It's not always easy to determine if someone is lying or withholding the truth. If you consistently feel that you are not being told the truth, and you have not been concerned about this in other relationships, then trust your feelings.Psychopaths are extremely dangerous because they lack a heart and conscience but they camouflage that fundamental lack so well.They construct a “mask of sanity” by lying to others and hiding their real motives and identities.They will change if they want to, but you can't make them change. Many of my very kind clients, in trying to help their partner, have been used and burned by loaning money, or by allowing their partner, who is not earning money, to live with them. If you have a trust issue in general, then you might want to deal with your issue. The person has no close friends and is not close to family.There is always a reason that a person has no friends and is not close with family, and the reason might be important for you to know. The person is judgmental of self and others, talking about self and others in disparaging ways. A jealous, possessive person is a person who is very insecure. A person with few hobbies or interests may be a person who is dependent on others for their sense of self, and may be very demanding in a relationship. The person takes no responsibility for their own feelings.
, which I’d highly recommend for anyone who suspects (or knows) they are with a pathological individual.When a man clearly indicates what is and isn't a deal breaker, we owe him the respect of honoring his choices. But something in your gut tells you he's too good to be true.Remember that mention of the divorced dad who swept me off my feet? All I can say is this: Listen to your gut, listen to your gut, listen to your gut -- no matter what others think and how good things seem on the surface. Be sure to take your time to get to know him, his family, his friends, his co-workers. There is never a good reason to rush a relationship -- especially if you have kids. While this person may blame the other person for the problems, or claim that he or she has just never met the "right" person, it always takes two to create relationship problems. But, if someone does not care about their children, then they likely have a deep problem with caring about themselves or others. The person is not open to learning from relationship conflict.Unless this person has had a good amount of therapy and personal growth since the last relationship, a series of broken relationships or marriages may indicate that he or she doesn't know how to have a loving relationship. The person was abused as a child and has not had therapy or done sufficient inner healing work. Without an openness to learning about themselves and you when there is conflict, there is no way to resolve conflict. The person participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you -- smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV and so on.Be particularly cautious if he's already looking for Spouse #2. Periods of adjustment are to be expected, especially if things heat up.We all need time to heal and don't want to plunge blindly into the rebound relationship. But extreme discomfort, acting out, and outright interference may signal issues just beneath the surface. We would be wise to observe their reactions, heed their reasoned warnings, and consider their hesitation. If you each have children at different stages -- for example, your kids are in elementary school and his are in college -- anticipate some potential problems if you're hoping for a long-term relationship.Over the many years of working with thousands of people looking to find a committed relationship, I've discovered numerous red flags that may indicate future problems.Very often, when the person I'm working with has moved ahead with the relationship, one of these issues -- which might not have seemed huge at the beginning -- becomes a major problem leading to the demise of the relationship. As you read this list, don't just focus on the other person.